And forgive us if we don’t enjoy an evening of mansplaining politics and religion all night or hearing you complain about your awful ex (absolving yourself from all responsibility for the breakdown in the relationship). And we notice when you’re not actually listening and just trying to make, you know, appropriate listening noises. Are you just looking for sex and not an actual relationship? Do you really just want a FWB (friends with benefits) arrangement? People with lives do not have to be dating someone to feel good about themselves.
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We’re definitely not at all impressed with a dating culture eaten up by dishonesty. Go ahead and fly whatever freak flag you’re hiding because we’re going to figure it out sooner or later, and if it’s later, we might be a bit p*ssed that you hid it—particularly if been honest at each juncture.
It seems that most men think honesty is actually taboo when most women are truly ready for it. What’s funny is that I’m not even bitter about relationships or even about men. When I go out on a date, I’m interested in knowing more about the person I’m seeing. It’s great to check in every day and ask how we’re doing.
Anticipating plans for a fun night out, you eagerly answer in your sweetest voice, "Hello? Maybe we should think about just being friends." "Whatever ... Have a nice time with your friends." You hang up on him, hoping you left him thinking that you couldn't care less what he does with his life or who he spends it with. You spend most of the weekend on the couch, watching reruns of That '70s Show on TV.
" "Um, hey." He doesn't sound nearly as excited to be talking to you. But inside, your heart sinks into your stomach as you realize that this person, in whom you've invested so much time, energy, and emotion, has just put an end to something you hoped would last forever-well, at least longer than two months. By Sunday night, for some strange reason, you don't feel any better.
Although it felt like she had torn my heart right out of my rib cage, it turned out to be one of the most valuable experiences of my dating life.
It was through that double-dumping that I learned that I needed a life. When you invest all your energy and self-esteem in getting a date or having a serious relationship, you have nothing else to give.
I could discuss at length why I think this is: poor societal socialization, the ever-present double standard, mothers coddling their sons, fathers absolving their sons of responsibility, a learned disrespect for women, male privilege or just plain bad manners…or most likely a combination of all of these things. So when we go out in the dating world with all of that self-love, we’re really looking for a man who can add value to our lives. We’re looking for men who can be strong partners, who are confident and secure in themselves. Who can respect our education and work experience and full lives and add to it with their own. If they come up and you disagree, it’s entirely okay to get into an argument about it and to return to more neutral subjects. It seems a sad, strange business, particularly when you’re saying you want a relationship. It’s attractive when someone is body positive and secure about who they are and how they look.
Regardless, I keep coming back to the fact that many men are just unkind in my experience. So we might be a little, shall we say, less than impressed when we are hit up for a midnight booty call by the virtual stranger we met online. I cannot count how many times pneumonia has reared its ugly head as the excuse that someone has ghosted me completely for days or weeks on end. I’m not typically paranoid, but there must be an epidemic for as many times as I’ve heard that one.
The right people will be totally into that, and the ones who aren’t won’t waste your time (and you won’t be wasting theirs either). Be interested in what we like to do outside of work and what we think about and the things we enjoy.